What is perfectionism?

"I got it!" "I'll take care of it." "Leave it to me."

For so long, you've had the reputation as the good one and the capable one. It feels good to be seen as the reliable one, the dependable one, the one who can balance it all. Working hard, putting in the extra effort, and going above and beyond when asked to do so. Balancing work, social life, family responsibilities, and domestic chores and doing it all with a smile.

But there's a cost to this, even if other people don't see it. It feels tiring to keep up with all of this. It's hard not to feel resentful too. Why do you have to be the one to do all of this? Why can't other people pitch in? And why is it so hard to ask for help?

What keeps perfectionism going?

Perfectionism is defined as having unrealistically high standards for ourselves and our performance. While these standards may have first been set by parents, teachers, or coaches while growing up, with time we can start to internally hold these standards, even when other people are not setting these expectations.

When we meet the standard, we get praise and immediate feedback for a job well done. We get the “A”, the “Way to go!”, or the big smile from our parents in the stands. It can feel so good to be on the receiving end of this, and on the other hand, really scary and anxiety-provoking to not measure up.

To avoid that anxiety, we ensure we meet the standard. We work extra hard, study extra hours, or do all the extra credit assignments. We ask for extra tasks and make sure to do them well. While this alleviates the anxiety of not meeting the high standard, it creates a different problem - feeling like we're ruled by anxiety and fear of failure.

What are the drawbacks to perfectionism?

You're probably at a point where you're questioning the role of perfectionism in your life. Even though there are benefits, it has been painful and stressful to maintain all of this. It feels like your life has been ruled by anxiety and harsh standards. There is little to no room to make a mistake or step out of line. And even when you've checked everything off the to-do list, there is another thing to focus on or criticize yourself for. It feels like once you've met the standard, it doesn't go away - the bar just gets raised.

Perfectionism can result in increased anxiety, feelings of panic, and increased anger and frustration with yourself and others when they don't meet your standards. It can also impact your ability to start or complete a task and can affect your ability to relax and enjoy things as they are.

Symptoms of Perfectionism

• Feeling like achievement is your primary motivation
• Feeling overly self-critical and harsh with yourself
• Setting high standards and struggling to adjust the standard for yourself or others
• Feeling very particular about a thing being done the “right” or “correct” way
• Difficulty delegating or handing off tasks due to worry that it won't be done the right way
• Needing to present as perfect to others
• Difficulty admitting any perceived weakness or asking for help
• Procrastination -- avoiding starting or working on a task due to knowing it will be difficult to meet your internal standard
• Feeling angry with yourself or others when standards aren't met
• Discounting your successes or efforts when minor errors or mistakes occur
• Feeling like your sense of self-worth is unsteady, and can often be impacted by negative feedback (either from others or yourself)

Ambivalence about change

Despite all the negatives that come with perfectionism, there are also some real upsides and good things that have come to you because of having high standards. It is normal to feel some ambivalence about changing this!

Adjusting your standards does not mean giving up or failing. And it certainly doesn't mean becoming complacent, lazy, or unmotivated. It means having more flexibility in how you approach yourself, others, and stressful situations in your life. It means still doing a good job, while feeling like you can be compassionate and caring for yourself at the same time. It means making space for the other things that matter in your life, not only achievement.

What does therapy for perfectionism look like?

Therapy for perfectionism involves better understanding how perfectionism started for you and what is reinforcing this behavior now. When we're engaging in a behavior, even if it's one we don't like, it's often because it used to work for us or is helpful at least some of the time. Exploring the positives and negatives of perfectionism, and any feelings of anxiety or ambivalence about changing this, can be very helpful to discuss in therapy. Identifying how perfectionism can keep you stuck can help to build momentum to change this pattern.

Therapy may involve identifying beliefs about yourself, your value to others, and an assumption that being perfect will lead to being protected, safe, or in control. Cognitive behavioral therapy will involve challenging beliefs related to being perfect and will work on strengthening new beliefs about your value and inherent self-worth, independent of creating a perfect outcome. Therapy will likely involve building new skills to cope with feelings of anxiety and discomfort that show up when we are reducing or changing perfectionistic behaviors. In addition, practicing being imperfect and doing experiments where we reduce perfectionism (for example, showing up to a meeting 5 minutes late, leaving a typo in an email) is often a key element to feel more comfortable adopting new standards. Your therapist will work collaboratively with you to identify goals and recommended first steps to work on changing perfectionism.

Find Freedom in Authenticity, Not Perfection
Evidence-Based Therapy for Perfectionism and High Achievers

Evidence based cognitive behavioral therapy can help to build alternative coping skills for perfectionism, including finding more flexible and compassionate ways to relate to yourself and others. Contact Dr. Ruth Viehoff today for a free consultation to learn more about therapy for perfectionism! Dr. Ruth Viehoff offers in-person appointments in Indianapolis, and routinely offers telehealth appointments in Boston, New York, and in any participating Psypact state.